To all my children:
It takes a lot of courage to put your
heart out there for all the world to see, and to openly admit one's
mistakes. But as the holiday season is once again upon us, and after
the recent occasion of my youngest child from my ten year marriage's
birthday passing, once more, utterly void of opportunity for my
inclusion, I am forced by the pain the absence of my children in my
life affects to reflect upon mistakes of the past as I embark upon
what will likely be the last leg of my journey in this world (should
the Lord not determine otherwise). A little more about what has
brought me to this point.
While most people look forward to the
holidays with joy at the prospects of seeing friends and family, for
me, it is a painful reminder of a cruel alienation, some caused by my
own choices, some caused by others and just by life, (the original
sin of pride and post-divorce fallout being the main culprits); but
whatever the mechanisms that have brought me here, and the cruel
aspects of its result in my (and sadly your), my dear children's
lives, the knowledge of my own mortality has forced me to come to the
point of taking this drastic action notwithstanding what my
detractors and those who don't really know me might think or say
about me. Indeed, it has caused me to here bare my heart in the
earnest hopes that somehow, you, my children, might read these words
and it provide you some solace (or at least understanding) about my
absence these many years and how sorry I am for my part in it, (which
ultimately I take responsibility for, see below).
Some of you, (I'm talking here
primarily about my adult children from my marriage of ten years), I
haven't seen or spoken with for many, many years due to a multitude
of complicated factors I won't go into here and my own cowardice, and
I realize you may hold anger or resentment towards me, (or even
worse, think I am angry or resentful towards you, which is not the
case!)
You may even feel like you don't want
to know or understand how sorry I am for my many past mistakes, how I
long to make amends for them, or the “other side of the story.”
If that remains your opinion after reading this open letter I will
respect that. All I am asking for is a chance to be heard.
I also want to assure you at the outset
that I have no desire to interfere in your own families (if married)
or interrupt any relationships you may have with any “step” or
other “father figures” currently in your lives, nor “put you in
the middle” of any issues that may remain between your mother and
myself, (however ancient); That wouldn't have been fair at any age,
but it certainly isn't respectful to the mature and independent
individuals I am sure you now are.
Indeed, I want you to know my goal is
not to cause any problems for you in your life or to run anyone else
down, leastwise your mother, who, for all our battles, I am sure
raised you as best she could and was, at least for the years we were
together, a faithful and good mother and wife, (years which in truth
were the best and happiest of my life helping bring you into this
world and watching you grow in your early years!) Time has a way of
making us revisit our past decisions with humility and new
perspectives (and hopefully grace for others), and I know the choices
your mother had to make due to our separation and my own stupidity
throwing away our nine (relatively good) years by following through
with divorce (and re-marriage) so quickly all those years ago
couldn't have been easy on her, (indeed, I can't fault her for any of
them for that reason).
But regardless how you react, (or
don't) to my clumsy attempt at opening a dialogue, I would be lying
not to say that my earnest desire is that the God of all
reconciliation and renewal who brings the dead back to life might yet
be able to breathe life into our severed relationships in order that
I could somehow, even now so many years later, be able to provide you
with some support and/or closure that can only come from some form of
relationship restoration, or in the very least, communication.
I also must be honest and admit I have
great curiosity to know about what and who you have become in this
world! Questions like
“What do you do for a living?” “Have you married?” “Do you
have children of your own?” and “Am I a grandfather?” bounce
across the neurons in my brain daily in an unceasingly painful
reminder that things are not as they should be, the answers for which
can only come by making a determined effort at communicating. And so
I write.
I
realize, of course, it's not all up to me, and I can't control the
outcome; to the contrary, I think much (if not most of the outcome)
depends on your reply
and/or what God wants to do with my feeble efforts.
And
it's not as if you aren't all smart kids. I know you
are, (and certainly smart enough to know there are two sides to every
story). In that regard you may have questions of your own about lots
of things in the past, (e.g., why I filed for divorce initially all
those years ago, why I didn't agree to reconcile with your mother
when she called and asked me 3 days before I was set to remarry, why
I moved away and stayed away for so long, how the two of you came to
live with me for a time, why I moved to TN and why I ultimately gave
you back to your mother, just for starters), my life in the present,
or your half brothers and sisters. I would be happy to “fill you
in” on the other side of these things if you want to know.
Or
perhaps you're going through a trying time of your own and/or just
need to understand where you came
from and why you are
the way you are, (as like it or not we all are
products of a combination of the characteristics of both our mother's
and father's, whether
good or bad, which sometimes effect us in ways we don't even realize
until much later). I know even your mother can attest to this from
just the troubles in her own family of origin and the important need
she had to reconcile with her family in spite of the past, (I am sure
she can speak to this much better than I).
But even if you decline to respond, and
the kind of restoration of relationships that I long for never
materializes, at least I have done my part so that you will know
that the father you never knew, or knew only briefly or through
the memories and tales of others, long-faded and distorted with time
and repetition like an old game of “telephone,” has never
stopped loving and praying for you in spite of the distance and
passage of years. (Of course, most of you are no longer children
who need to rely on distorted messages whispered into your ear, but
grown adults able to make up your own minds and capable of hearing
full information and coming to your own determinations, another
reason that I write with high hopes). Regardless or the outcome
however, by opening the door I can take some comfort in knowing in my
heart I have done what I felt I must to give you some closure, (if
nothing else), and hopefully a possibility for a better ending than
beginning.
In full disclosure, as alluded to above
I don't deny it's perhaps partly out of selfish motivations to ease
my own conscience and curiosity that I write, but I am getting on in
years now, and not a day goes by that I don't wonder who you have
become and suffer from a hole in my heart that our estrangement has
affected (along with taunts of my own relationship choices from
the past).
In that regard, and from a perspective
that only age and mortality can provide, how I wish I had fought to
remain in your life, whatever the consequences or effort it would
have taken! (instead of taking the easy and less confrontational path
until there was no other path available but to fight over things
that, in the end, really don't matter and which pale in comparison to
what all of us to varying degrees have undoubtedly been robbed
of, the ability to be in right relationship with all those who
love us and to know and understand where we came from). But alas, I
cannot go back!
It is for this reason in particular
that my heart aches for all of you with the questions of what
might have been had certain different outcomes occurred, and to all
of my children I sincerely say, I am so very sorry I allowed my
own demons and fears to alienate me from you instead of doing
whatever it took to remain in your lives! Indeed, my own fears
and difficulties, as well as other matters I have only briefly
alluded to here, are no excuse. No matter the difficult
choices we all face, we can always make better ones to keep our
commitments, and ultimately are responsible for the consequences when
we don't, (sometimes brutally so). It's a law as ancient as sowing
and reaping, and for that, I can only blame myself.
I only hope (and pray) there is still
time to right the ship in some small measure. But let me be clear: I
make no demands and am under no illusions as to your response. In
fact, I don't expect you to instantly welcome me into your lives from
my posting here, (if you even see this).
Indeed, although it took a lot of
courage for me to write this, I know it would take much more
for you to reply (in fact, I would count it as a minor miracle!)
Rest assured if you do respond
there is no obligation to continue, or to even decide at this point
what the ultimate goal of opening a dialogue with me would even be
(really I would be happy just to hear you are still alive as well as
anything else you want to share!) All I can say is pray and follow
your heart (which is what gave me the courage to post this!) But in
the event you are tempted to respond but still feel unsure about the
consequences, here are a few thoughts that may provide some comfort
in wrestling with such an important decision.
First, if it makes it easier for you,
no one need know of your reply, (if you should in fact choose
to). This is your decision, and no one else's, and
anyone who would advise you otherwise either doesn't respect your
decisions as an adult or has their own ax to grind and/or is afraid
of the truth you will learn, (which might make you want to ask, “What
are they afraid of ” if they have been straight with you?).
I also can promise that if
you should choose to enter into a dialogue with me, I
will be respectful and honest with you, and have much documentation
to prove what I say, (rather than just empty words, as they
say, talk is cheap). I also promise to hold our conversations and
anything you tell me in complete confidence until such time as you
wish, if ever, for others to know.
But I lost my father at a very young
age in life as well, (albeit due to different circumstances), and am
distinctly aware of the sort of pain that can cause in one's life. In
light of that, I simply could no longer live with myself if I
didn't at least give you the option of contacting me.
To that end, if you want to reach me
you can respond with your contact info by “commenting” below,
(which is private and only I can see), or emailing me at my full name (first and last) at gmail.com.
Again, I would love to hear anything
you want to tell me, and would pledge to help you in any way
possible!
As for my younger children, (esp E, S)
I want you to know how much I love you and pray for you all the time!
I know it's taking a long time, so much longer than I would want, but
I am working hard to get to a better place so I can have something
more to offer you, and am intent on learning from my past mistakes!
Just don't give up! Remember God's promise that has sustained me
through many lonely, dark years, found in Jeremiah 29:11, “I know
the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for good and not
for evil, to give you a future, and a hope!” And if you
are hurting, scared, or facing hard decisions, talk to a guidance
counselor or some adult in authority at school. They can almost
always help to intervene in a bad circumstance.
To all of my children, I miss you
terribly, and promise one day we will be together again! Indeed,
I believe it is God's will to “turn the hearts of the children back
to their fathers,” (Mal 4:6), and to “reconcile all
things in Christ,” (see Col 1:20).
With a broken heart and more love for
you than I could ever express with words,
Your father,
Jonathan Pahnke
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